


Hiraeth - Bucky

by CelticCross



Series: Hiraeth [4]
Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:35:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28858953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticCross/pseuds/CelticCross
Summary: Bucky and Leigh come to terms with their future
Relationships: Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Hiraeth [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2114094
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Hiraeth - Bucky

Leigh stared at the paper in her hand, her face stricken. She looked up at Helen, seeing concern in her eyes.

“I…thank you.” She managed to say, a small smile on her face.

She tucked the paper into her folder, and straightening up, she blindly made her way from the medical centre back to her office, one word burning into her brain.

{I can’t tell him, it will kill him, it will break his heart}

She buried herself in paperwork for the rest of the day, pushing her thoughts to the back of her mind.

“Hey Sam, I’m going for a run, you wanna come with?” Bucky asked, a wide smile on his face as he walked into the kitchen to fill his water bottle.

“Long as you don’t ‘on your left’ me like Steve…”

“Heh,” Bucky snorted, “Yeah, he’s a punk, told me about that…so? Run? Promise not to speed past you.”

“Ok, gimme ten, and then you can tell me all about you and the boss lady’s plan to make babies.”

“Ah jeez, is nothing sacred around this place?”

“Nope, this place runs on gossip and rumour.” Sam laughed as he left to get his trainers.

Bucky slowly stretched his legs out, breathing in the cold winter air. Even though he really didn’t need to, he just felt more human if he did. Looking up he watched as Sam ambled over to him before stretching his legs.

“So, baby daddy Bucky huh? Since when?”

“We’re still waiting for my test results to come back from Helen, Leigh’s meant to be picking them up soon. DNA, blood and semen.” He shrugged, pushing back his worries,” but to answer the when, at the Barton farmhouse, when I went with Leigh, remember that?” Bucky side glanced at his friend.

“Oh yeah, when Barton got his ass handed to him on a plate.”

“How…?”

“Told ya, gossip and rumours…”

“You have got to tell me where you hear these things from. I hear nothing.”

“Ah well, you’re shacked up with the boss lady, ain’t no one gonna tell you squatch…you’re out of the loop.”

Bucky grinned, “So, Laura made a comment about if Leigh and I had plans for children, wait you know Laura’s pregnant, right?,” Bucky said as they walked to the track.

“I didn’t, now your story makes more sense.” Sam grinned at him, limbering up before they set off at a jog.

“Yeah, so anyway, Leigh mentioned it to me and we had the talk…”

“Ooooh, I feel for you…Riley and his old lady had that talk just before, well…,” Sam shrugged, his smile sad for a moment, before snorting, “he said it was the most uncomfortable and scared he’d ever been, facing his old lady who really wanted a baby…”

“Yeah, but it was me, I mean…I never really thought about having kids, you know? Wasn’t sure I’d ever get the chance to be honest. Like I said to Leigh, I shipped out to Europe in ’43 and fell off a fucking train in ’44, and then I was Him. So, kids weren’t really on my radar…” Bucky drew in a deep breath of the cold winter air, smiling.

“Until now…”

“Until Leigh and when she mentioned it, man, I couldn’t think of anything else. I want kids, lots of ‘em, little Barnes’ running around causing mayhem.” He grinned.

“That’ll be those velocisoldiers Darcy mentioned.” Sam laughed.

“Huh?” Bucky looked puzzled as they jogged sedately round the track.

“I’m guessing you’ve never seen Jurassic Park?”

“No, what is it?”

“Aww man, you and I are having a Jurassic Park fest in the cinema, I’m telling you man, it’s one of the best dinosaur movies out there.”

“I don’t get the reference, velocisoldiers?” Bucky frowned.

“Watch the film, it’s what happens when you combine two equally powerful sets of DNA…”

Bucky thought for a moment then grinned, “Oh, right, yeah, I can see that…” he laughed as they sped up, before he overtook Sam.

“Don’t you do it man, don’t you dare ‘on your left’ me, you fucker…” Sam panted.

“On your left…” Bucky laughed as he came from behind to pass him.

“Hey doll, I see the Christmas tree is up in the communal area. It looks good.” Bucky called out as he rounded the corner into their living area.

Leigh looked up from the sofa, her face unreadable.

“Yeah, Darcy did it. She knew if she left it to me, it’d be July before I got round to it.” Leigh smiled, unable to keep it on her lips for more than a moment as she looked into his grinning face.

“Doll? Everything ok?” he asked, concerned, as he slid down next to her.

Leigh sighed, bending to pick up some papers from the small coffee table, holding them out to him.

“I picked up the test results.” She said, her voice steady, as she handed his over.

“Oh…right…,” he sighed heavily, looking at her, frowning, “I’m sterile aren’t I?” he said, his voice flat as he read through the results.

“No, it’s the opposite, your little soldiers are powerful little buggers, marching to the beat of their own drum.” She said as he read through, looking at the grin on his face.

“Well that’s fucking excellent right?” he started, frowning as she handed him another set of results, his face screwed up in concentration as he read.

Bucky sat back, his mind whirring with the words in front of him. 

Primary ovarian insufficiency leading to Anovulation and infertility.

“Infertility?...doll? what am I reading?” he whispered, his voice small and pained, looking up at her, unable to hide the horror on his face.

“I was tested too,” she laughed mirthlessly, feeling her lips trembling, “Seems it really is me and not you, this time,” she joked, frowning as it fell flat.

“What tests?” he asked, his mind not grasping what she was saying to him.

“When you went in to give a sample, Helen asked me if I would consent to a medical, to make sure I was healthy enough to carry a child, your child, due to the serum. She took blood for DNA and other things, and stuck a really large needle into my ovaries, to test my eggs, only…I don’t have many, and those she found were…deformed and dead. So…,” she sniffled, feeling tears forming, “no eggs, no children.”

Bucky sat back on the sofa, his heart beating madly in his chest, mind whirring with her words. What the fuck? No, there had to be a mistake, this…this wasn’t right. He rifled through the papers, desperately searching for where it would tell him it was a lie. Surely the world wasn’t this fucking cruel? To give him so much hope after all he’d been through only to rip it away at the last possible moment. No… There had to be something. Maybe they could go back to Helen and demand another test. Had she checked both ovaries? Maybe there was a way to use the cradle to repair the damaged eggs. He sat silently, eyes staring at the paper in his hands, his mind whirring over all the possibilities, trying to find a solution to their problem.

“Doll, we can…” he looked up to find she’d gone. His shoulders slumped. Shit…Fuck…he’d fucked up.

Leigh wasn’t at dinner that night.

Leigh didn’t come to bed that night.

“Merry Christmas!” Sam called as Bucky entered the kitchen. It was early and there was no one else awake from the eggnog fest the night before,

“Is it?” Bucky mumbled, pouring himself a large mug of coffee, his face drawn, large bruised circles under his eyes. His hair was flat and dull.

“Man, what the fuck is going on with you two? You’ve barely spoken in weeks, and you look fucking awful.” Sam looked shocked as large tears filled his friends eyes before dripping down his face.

“I fucked up…I fucked up so completely…” Bucky whispered, in pain.

“Aww man, you wanna go somewhere and talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about, what’s done is done,” he muttered, wiping his eyes, sniffing and taking a large gulp of his coffee, turning to look at Sam, “it’s over, she’s moved back into her old quarters, we’re done.”

“Shit…and you can’t repair it?” Sam asked, feeling Bucky’s pain.

Bucky just shrugged and turned to get more coffee.

Leigh had arranged for caterer’s for the Christmas lunch, she was fine with cooking in large batches but had balked when faced with so many. She sat in her quarters going through some paperwork she’d missed the night before, preferring to work as some of the others were getting drunk on eggnog. 

Steve had arrived Christmas Eve with a large flagon of Asgardian Mead for himself and Bucky and had asked her to hide it from them until Christmas Day. She’d smiled a wobbly smile at him and had promised to do what he’d asked. She knew Steve knew of their problems as Bucky would never keep anything from him but, thankfully he’d not said anything to her; just pulled her into a warm hug, holding her until she got her shuddering breath under control.

She looked at the clock, sighing, it was almost midday and people would be up and wandering about, ready for snacks and nibbles before lunch at 1pm. She really wished she could just stay in bed all day and shut the world, or at least the compound, out but someone…Clint…would come knocking. She was looking forward to seeing him and Nat. They’d gone on a sort of mini vacation soon after getting back from Laura’s and this would be the first time she’d see them in a little over a month. She got up off the sofa to grab her trainers. Normally, for Christmas, she tried to make an effort, hair curled, make up on and whatever dress Nat had gotten for her but, she sighed, looking at herself, dressed in combats and a t shirt, in the full length bedroom mirror, there was no disguising her; not this year. She scraped her hair back into a ponytail and slapped a thin layer of foundation on to disguise the tiredness. Slicking some clear lip-gloss on she headed out, after picking up the mead for Steve, pasting a fake smile on that didn’t reach her eyes.

Bucky watched as Leigh walked into the communal area, her grin wide as she spotted Clint and Nat. She headed over to them, dropping the mead onto the coffee table, without a glance in his direction. He sighed deeply, his head bowed, missing Nat’s eyes on him.

“Eggnog? Or can I tempt you with some Asgardian mead?” Bucky turned to look at Steve, seeing only kindness and compassion reflected.

“Before dinner? Come on man, I’ll be wasted…,” Bucky chuckled, sobering as he remembered the last time he’d drunk it, “Maybe later.”

“Ok, so eggnog then?” Steve laughed, handing over a glass of the milky rum, knowing it would taste nice but do nothing for him.

Slowly, Steve headed round offering eggnog to everyone.

“Leigh, Merry Christmas my darling one, would you like some eggnog?” his blue eyes twinkled at her pale face.

“OK, why not, might make this day easier.” She mumbled, taking a glass, ignoring the looks from Clint and Nat’s narrowed eyes.

“And Clint?” Steve asked, turning to the archer, were he sat with his arm around Nat.

“Ooh yeah eggnog, not had this stuff in years.” He commented, picking up a glass of it.

“That’s cause you had your head up your ass Hawk…” Leigh chuckled as Nat snorted.

“And Nat?” Steve held the tray out to her.

“Oh no, I’ve got tea.” She replied with a small.

“I’ll take Nat’s…” Clint reached out to swipe the remaining glass.

“Hey, where’s Darce?” he asked, looking around for his one-time nemesis.

“Family. She’s gone home to her parents. She always does.”

“Oh, right…and I didn’t know cause?” he smiled at Leigh.

“Head in ass syndrome…seems to be catching.” She muttered, trailing off as she drank the rich, milky rum, looking at Nat’s cup of tea.

“Why the tea Spider? I remember you drank this stuff by the gallon…many’s the time Steve and I had to heave your drunk ass to bed…” Leigh smiled, grinning at the memories of Christmases past.

Nat looked over at Clint, a small smile hovering on her lips.

“What?” Leigh asked, puzzled as Clint took out a small pocket knife and tapped it on his drink glass.

“Hey, everyone…everyone…yes that includes you Sam…Nat and I have some news, now we didn’t even think this was possible…”

Leigh stiffened as his words washed over her, her pale gaze meeting the stricken look on Bucky’s face as he stared at her.

“…having a baby…”

She found herself leaning over to hug Nat, words spilling from her mouth as Bucky got up to congratulate Clint.

Clint sat back down and pulled out a small gift wrapped box, handing it to Leigh.

She looked at it with a puzzled air.

“We don’t do presents until after dinner, even you know this Clint.” She smiled.

“Just something we picked up in Paris,” Nat said, her smile wide as she snuggled up to Clint

“And we thought it would be great for you and Bucky.” Clint finished looking up into her glassy eyes as she pulled out a Babygro with the words “Je t’aime Paris” on the front.

Leigh sat, holding the item, her face falling for a split second as she looked at it, reaching out to feel the soft material, gulping to swallow the lump in her throat as she smiled at Clint and Nat.

“Thank you,” she whispered, repacking it and handing it back.

“Babybird?” Clint said, his face frowning in worry.

“You…you’ll need it before me.” She smiled, her lips trembling, hearing a distant roaring in her ears growing louder.

Bucky sat on the sofa opposite, his heart pounding in his chest, as he watched Leigh pull out the smallest Babygro, his face paling, eyes growing wide in consternation.

“Leigh, it’s ok, we have lots of them.” Nat said gently, pushing it back at her.

“I have no need of it.” Leigh managed.

“But you will one day, you know, when you and Bucky have kids…,” Clint laughed, “it might take a while but you’ll get there in the end, ain’t that right Buck?” 

Clint turned to look at Bucky, seeing his drawn, pale face as Leigh suddenly shouted.

“No!”

The room quietened and all eyes were on her as she sat, still, her entire frame trembling as she tried to bring herself under control.

“Babybird?” Clint said, his voice gentle and concerned.

Slowly, she lifted her gaze to him, “I…I…I can’t….,” she gulped deep breaths of air, her eyes wide and brimming with tears, “ I can’t have kids,” She said loudly, her voice full of dark desperation, into the silent room, “I’m infertile, barren…” she sat trembling, her breathing panicky, before getting up and fleeing to the door.

“I’m sorry…” she whispered as she ran.

Clint looked over at Bucky who sat frozen in his seat, anguish all over him. Clint closed his eyes, sighed and went to find her.


End file.
